Conversations about infant sleep and breastfeeding can be deeply personal. They’re often shaped by our own experiences — what worked for our babies, what felt manageable, and what helped us survive those early months. Recently, I’ve been reflecting on how easily assumptions can creep into these discussions, particularly around feeding to sleep and independent settling.
I always say this first: if feeding to sleep is working for you and your baby or toddler, there is absolutely nothing to change. You’re one of the lucky ones. Feeding to sleep can be a beautiful, effective, and entirely valid way to support sleep.
But just because it’s working for you doesn’t mean it’s working for everyone.
For some families, feeding to sleep doesn’t look like a baby waking, feeding, and drifting back off again. We’re not talking here about biologically normal infant waking where a feed helps everyone resettle easily. We’re talking about babies who need to be attached to the breast almost constantly overnight, waking as often as every 20 minutes and unable to resettle without feeding each time.
For many mothers, this level of sleep disruption is simply unsustainable — particularly for those without a partner, without nearby family, or without a wider support network to help share the load. In these situations, repeatedly telling a mother to “just feed the baby to sleep” can feel, at best, insensitive.
I have worked with mothers on the edge from sleep deprivation — utterly exhausted, emotionally depleted, describing hair falling out and struggling to function day to day. These are not parents trying to do less for their babies. They are parents doing everything and running out of reserves.
This is where assumptions begin to cause harm.
Assumption 1: Supporting sleep means stopping breastfeeding
One of the most common assumptions is that working on independent settling or reducing a feed-to-sleep dependency means breastfeeding less or ending breastfeeding altogether. For many families, this simply isn’t true.
Breastfeeding can continue — including overnight — while parents gently support their baby to develop additional ways of settling. These approaches are not inherently incompatible, and for some families they are exactly what makes breastfeeding sustainable.
Assumption 2: If feeding to sleep worked for me, it should work for everyone
Our own experiences can unintentionally narrow our perspective. When feeding to sleep has worked well for us, it can be difficult to imagine how different it feels when it doesn’t. Babies are different. Families are different. Capacity is different.
What feels manageable in one household may feel impossible in another.
Assumption 3: Talking about sleep threatens breastfeeding
Sometimes there is a fear that even discussing sleep support will undermine breastfeeding. Yet in practice, the opposite is often true. When parents believe they must either accept chronic sleep deprivation or stop breastfeeding altogether, breastfeeding is frequently the casualty.
Offering balanced, compassionate information expands options — and options are often what keep breastfeeding going.
Experience, not theory
As a breastfeeding advocate who has worked with and supported breastfeeding mothers for over twenty years, I say this from a place of experience and confidence: achieving better sleep should not come at any cost to your breastfeeding journey. In fact, for many families, improving sleep is what allows breastfeeding to continue for longer, with more joy and less resentment.
Sleep support does not have to mean night-weaning, reducing responsiveness, or ending breastfeeding. When done thoughtfully and respectfully, it can strengthen both maternal wellbeing and the breastfeeding relationship.
So if you ever encounter messaging that suggests you must accept sleep deprivation at all costs or risk damaging your breastfeeding journey, it’s okay to pause. It’s okay to question. And it’s okay to move past advice rooted in fear rather than flexibility.
You do not have to endure sleep torture to be a committed, responsive, breastfeeding parent.
A call for compassion and curiosity
Before criticising approaches we don’t personally relate to, it’s worth remembering that if you haven’t lived in a body woken every 20 minutes for months on end — without support — it’s almost impossible to fully understand that experience.
Families deserve care that reflects their reality, not someone else’s assumptions.
When we keep these conversations open, curious, and compassionate, we create space for parents to feel supported rather than silenced — and that ultimately serves both breastfeeding and family wellbeing.